Saturday, June 4, 2011

2012 ultimate show bike quiz

After my last post I have considered all of your comments and have decided that in all likelyhood I will indeed participate in the 2012 NAHMBS. Of course, that is if they let me. I don't believe I have run afoul of the promoter in chief but you never know. I have not done anything to derail the show, only to point out some of the silliness contained in the isn't all stupid by a long shot.
Since I am presumably throwing my hat into the ring of builders vying for one or more those gleaming trophies and a chance to stand up on stage in front of a jury of my peers , I must formulate a plan to show up with the ultimate entry to the competition. I am again asking for your assistance in this project and I have provided another quiz-style outline to narrow the focus of the show bike project and come up with something incredible-something that a person might sell one of his testicles for, unless of course that person was Lance Armstrong. Maybe Lance could sell the prosthetic one after all, it was on those seven winning tour rides right next to the real one. All jokes aside , this bike must be funny in fact that folks will be laughing so hard as to choke on someone else's vomit. It is with this bike that I hope to conquer the framebuilding world and lampoon it simultaneously.

First off I have to come up with a target buyer:
A. This is a bike for anybody
B. This is a bike for not just anybody
C. This is an exclusive luxury bike for a special person
D. This is a bike for the person who the very special person idolizes
E. This bike is too exclusive for any humanoid

Second, I have to come up with a sentence that makes this bike so incredibly irressistable to the most discriminating show attendee.
A. You'll max out your credit card to buy this bike
B. You'll take out a second mortgage to buy this bike
C. You would sell your kidney to buy this bike
D. You would sell both kidneys to buy this bike

I'll also have to figure out how to 'brand' the bike properly. A really effective logo must 'pop' and be distinctive, original and look very expensive .
A. The logo should be done in gold leaf
B. The logo must be acid etched into the tubing
C. The logo must be made of stainless steel and be paintakingly soldered onto the thin, unbutted portion of the frame
D. The logo must be fully cut out of the tubing leaving vacant space
E. The logo must be done as above but with a neon filament powered by a hub generator with a battery backup for when the bike is stationary.
F. The logo must be on a small RC blimp that orbits in the vicinity of the show bike about head level.

Assuming that this is a show bike and very ornate, it must be constructed of steel.....but which steel ?
A. Good quality modern steel
B. The very best quality modern steel
C. The best quality NOS steel
D. Cryogenically stored NOS steel formerly owned by a succession of deceased framebuilders of note who never got around to using it.

Now that I have the material I need to pick the ultimate way to assemble it:
A. Brazed with a Smith oxy-acetylene torch
B. Brazed with Mapp gas
C. Brazed with oxy-propane
D. Brazed with methane pumped from the anus of a free range cow
E. Hearth brazed using the rendered fat from free range chickens for fuel.

In order to be considered for a trophy I must have some of the current favorite frame features:
A. Seat mast with 2 cm of adjustment
B. Seat mast with 1 cm of adjustment
C. Seat rails welded directly to the seat mast-no adjustment
D. Shorts stitched to the seat that is welded directly to the seat mast-for seated riding only

Custom dropouts are a good way to set your frame apart from the herd
A. Water-jet cut stainless dropouts with your logo
B. Laser-cut stainless dropouts with your logo
C. Hacksaw-cut wooden dropouts with your logo
D. Machete-cut bamboo dropouts with your logo and someone else's vomit

Soo.......the bike is built. There has to be some sort of 'Exclusivity' implied in the availability of this special bike. Waiting lists ( both factual and ficticious ) are a way for people to see how in demand this special bike is......supposedly.
A. 3 month waiting list
B. 6 month waiting list
C. One year waiting list
D. Five year waiting list
E. Waiting list is closed until further notice
F. There never was a least not one that you or anyone like you could get on.

I appreciate all input. After all, this show is serious business. Cheers.


  1. A modern take on a late-1800's style walking bike.
    My kids are hogging all the fun with their "strider" bikes.

  2. Ayreel's idea is good. The English Department at SJSU sponsors the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest where the objective is to compose the worst opening sentence to a novel. The winning entries demonstrate that it takes a great writer to pack so much badness in one sentence. Perhaps in addition to your serious show bike entry you could produce a second bike bringing together the most questionable design/fabrication elements you've seen in your years as a builder and teacher.